Losers Rejoice: SPH Sufferers have a new SpokesPenis

This special bulletin is being brought to you, courtesy of insomnia and a mis-press of my fingers on the television remote.

Just a few moments ago, I was preparing to turn in for the evening and was flipping stations to the Food Network.  You know how sometimes you’re so used to pressing certain buttons on the remote that you don’t bother looking, you just press the buttons?  And sometimes it works, but most of the time you wind up missing the channel by a few digits and you have to re-press?  Well, tonight it happened that I mis-dialed the remote and wound up catching the jewel of a lifetime.

Did you know that THE Head Coach for THE Dallas Cowboys (America’s Team of the 90s for some bizarre reason that continues to elude me) is now the spokespenis person for male enhancement?  That’s right … Jimmy Johnson is “going long” for the same product once endorsed by such stellar celebri-peen as the Hedgehog of Love, Ron Jeremy.  I sat here, staring at my television screen … dumbstruck with horrified delight.  This is the man I listen to on Sunday afternoons to guide me through the touchdowns and booth reviews of the gridiron … now convincing his armchair quarterbacks that they don’t have to “compensate” by bulking up and buying that sports car … no, now he can just take a little pill and he can nail the head cheerleader.

I do believe this represents the end of ol Jimmy’s credibility … Unless NFL now stands for “Never Fucking Laid”?

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